If your child falls apart when they make a mistake, refuses to try new things, or loses it when they don’t win—this might be the missing piece.

The game ended in tears. Again.

We weren’t keeping score, but she was. She knew she got one fewer point than her sister, and that was it—the game board flipped, the tears came fast, and I could already feel the shame spiral pulling us both under.

If you’ve got a child who must win, must get it perfect, or completely loses it over being corrected… you’re not alone. And it’s not bad behavior. It’s not attention-seeking.

It’s shame. 

Why Perfectionism Isn’t Just About “High Standards”

We tend to think of perfectionism as a personality trait: high achiever, detail-oriented, Type A.

But in kids—especially spicy, sensitive kids—perfectionism is often something much deeper:

It’s a defense against shame.

When a child believes that mistakes mean they’re “bad,” or that losing means they’re unlovable, perfectionism becomes their armor. They try to control everything: the rules of the game, where you sit at the table, the exact tone you use when offering help.

Because if everything is perfect, they won’t have to feel the sting of failure… or the fear that they aren’t enough.

Signs Your Child’s Explosiveness Might Be Rooted in Shame

Here’s what this can look like in real life:

• Refuses to play unless they can win
  
• Melts down after making a small mistake
  
• Won’t try something new unless they’re sure they’ll succeed
  
• Says things like, “I’m so stupid,” “I ruin everything,” or “Everyone hates me”
  
• Can’t handle being corrected without an emotional outburst
  

It’s heartbreaking. And it leaves you walking on eggshells, trying not to “set them off.”

But the goal isn’t to avoid the triggers—it’s to help your child build a different relationship with mistakes, with losing, and with who they are.

What Actually Helps (It’s Not Praise)

When kids are caught in the shame spiral, typical praise won’t land. In fact, saying “You’re amazing! You’re so smart!” can actually make things worse because they definitely don’t feel that way! 

Instead:

• Validate the emotion first: “It’s hard to lose, especially when you tried so hard.”
  
• Separate identity from behavior: “You’re not a bad kid—you’re a kid who made a mistake. That’s allowed.”
  
• Model mistakes and self-repair: Let them see you make mistakes and process them.
  
• Practice “try again” language in calm moments: “We can make mistakes and try again. That’s how we grow.”
  

Most importantly? Turn down shame in the before and after moments. That’s where change happens.

Imagine This Instead…

Your child loses the game—and stays in the room.

They spill the milk—and ask for a towel instead of crying under the table.

They whisper, “I’m sorry,” and don’t crumble under the weight of it.

This is what happens when kids don’t feel like mistakes define them. This is what happens when shame doesn’t get the final word.

And this is what you’re building—one brave moment at a time.

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