If your child keeps misbehaving no matter the punishment, you might be missing this important thing. 

The parent leaned back from his computer, exasperated: 

 “We’ve tried everything. Time-outs, taking away toys, no dessert. Nothing works.”

Their child kept hitting during playdates, getting into power struggles and exploding when things didn’t go their way.

The consequences didn’t change anything, and the parents were feeling lost. 

But once they understood their child better, they realized that the punishments weren’t the key to their child changing their behaviour, it was understanding what was behind their child’s behaviour.

Why Traditional Punishments Often Backfire

For spicy kids, traditional parenting strategies often make things worse. Here’s why:

• They’re already dysregulated. Logical thinking isn’t accessible when their nervous system is overwhelmed. When they are punished, it increases shame, which means they are not in a state of mind where they CAN learn about their behaviour or doing something differently.
  
• They interpret consequences as rejection. “You’re bad” is the message that lands when you tell them they can never have candy again—even if that’s not what you said. That increases their feeling of shame, which again, is not a state when a child can learn how to use words instead of hit.
  
• Learning a different behaviour happens outside the moment. Consequences are often focused on stopping a behaviour in the moment, but truly for a child to do a different behaviour, they’ll need to understand what lead to their behaviour and what else they can try.
  

Instead of building skills, punishment build disconnection.

What Actually Teaches Your Child New Behavior

Your child doesn’t need more punishment.
They need to be understood, loving boundaries and to know what they CAN work on, but outside of the moment. 

Try this instead:

1. Help your child feel understood: It makes sense you feel angry, I would too in that situation.
   
2. Hold Loving Boundaries: Remove the toy being thrown, let them know what is it expected of them “you can hop down off the couch, or I can help you down.”
   
3. What can they do next time?: I see you and your brother are going to do blocks. When your brother takes your toy from you, what’s your plan?
   

That’s when learning can actually happen.

You’re Not Being “Soft” — You’re Being Strategic

Many parents worry they’re being too lenient without punishment.
But what you’re doing is rewiring your child’s brain:

• From fear to safety
  
• From punishment to problem-solving
  
• From shame to growth
  

That’s how you build emotional regulation—and real behavior change.

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