Every December like clockwork, I get the same message from parents.
Usually it starts with
“I saw this reel… can you tell me what you think about it?” A few years ago, someone sent me a video where the creator confidently claimed that including Santa in your family traditions was harmful. The message was that gentle parents should only include Santa as a character, like Olaf the snowman, because anything else was considered a disrespectful lie.

My honest reaction was
Hold up.
Based on what evidence?

It was such a certain claim. It spread so quickly. And none of it reflected what we know about child development, imagination, or the way kids understand the world. It was missing context. It was missing nuance. It was missing the actual way kids think.

I remember around that same time, I was talking to my husband. He works in emergency medicine and was explaining how kids and adults respond differently when he uses a medication that can cause some unusual experiences. Adults become frightened because they know something “shouldn’t” be happening. Kids do not have that same framework. Their imagination is wide open. They take things as they come. They live in a world where magic still fits.

It helped me see something I wish more parents understood
Kids don’t “believe in Santa” the way adults think they do.
Their belief is playful. Flexible. Imaginative.
Their brains do not treat this like some violation of trust.

And here is something I do not see talked about enough.

My kids are older now.
When they stopped believing in Santa, there was no meltdown.
No mistrust.
No “you lied to me.”
It was more like they came in on the secret.
They still love the magic. They still want the tradition. They still want the excitement. It just shifted.

You can absolutely choose not to do Santa.
You can absolutely choose to treat Santa as a character.
You can absolutely do a traditional Santa story.
You can do a hybrid version that works for your values.
All of these choices still make you an amazing parent.

What is actually not helpful is using Santa to control behaviour.

Santa is watching.
Kids who hit don’t get presents.
Santa only brings gifts to kids who listen.

That isn’t Santa.
That’s a behaviour strategy wrapped in holiday paper.

And spicy kids, especially, live close to shame.
Their behaviour is often something they cannot fully control.
So hearing “your presents depend on your behaviour” is devastating.
They want to do better.
They try to do better.
And when they can’t flip the switch fast enough, shame hits hard.

The thing that pains me most about this whole discussion is how much shoulding I see.

Things like: 

Here’s how to explain he’s not real so you stay respectful
Here’s the correct way to do Santa
Here’s the respectful way to not do Santa

As if there is one right answer.
As if respectful parenting is a checklist where you must do everything the exact same way to be a good parent, or as if family traditions are graded somehow.

If you are thinking intentionally about what works for your child, you already go beyond good. 

And if the holidays feel like a lot for your spicy kid, or you’re navigating Santa alongside meltdowns, cousins, photos, gratitude moments, and sensory overwhelm, you do not have to figure all of this out alone.When you purchase the Spicy Kid Bundle this month, you’ll get the Holiday Survival Guide as a bonus. It gives you simple, practical ideas for the trickiest holiday moments so you can enjoy this season without feeling like you’re drowning in decisions.

You can learn more about the bundle and bonus guide here.

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