One of the hardest parts of parenting an intense or highly sensitive kid is realizing that what you’re dealing with doesn’t look like what everyone else is talking about.

Parents hear about tantrums that are over in 3-5 minutes and think “what about when the tantrum lasts 20 minutes?”

They see reels about a script about naming the wish “you wish you could wear flip flops in the snow” but their child doesn’t soften, but instead hucks a shoe at their head and says “yes! So let me!”

They read posts where the ‘behaviour specialist’ promises that they just need the right checklist or chart (as if they have the energy for that!)

By January, this comparison really starts to wear parents down.

You’re already tired from the holidays.
You’re trying to get back into routine.
You’re waiting for the magic ‘click’ so things can get easier…

And instead, you’re still managing explosions that take up the entire afternoon or derail the whole evening.

This is usually when parents start asking a very specific question:

Why are my child’s meltdowns so intense compared to other kids?

Why Some Kids’ Meltdowns Are Bigger and Last Longer

When parents ask this, they’re usually noticing a few things at once:

• Their child’s meltdowns are longer than 5 minutes.
• It seems like there is NOTHING that works.
• They are often intense, and it feels like no matter what they do, it’s inevitable.

This doesn’t mean the meltdown is about attention, manipulation, or not trying hard enough.

For intense or highly sensitive kids, meltdowns are a sign that their highly sensitive system gets overwhelmed more easily.

These kids experience the world deeply.
They process more.
They notice more.
They feel more.

So when their system tips over, it tips hard.

What Triggers Intense Meltdowns in Highly Sensitive Children

Parents often underestimate how much stress is sitting underneath these moments.

The meltdown after school or before dinner is rarely just about that moment.
It’s the build-up from earlier in the day, or in some cases, recurring stressors.

These stressors can be anything from social expectations, to bright lights and strong smells. 

That’s why advice that focuses only on the surface behavior falls apart so quickly, makes parents feel even more exhausted and wears on parents’ hope.

Why Talking and Logic Don’t Help During Intense Meltdowns

This is also where parents unintentionally escalate things.

They say things like “gentle hands” or “use your words,” not realizing their child does not have access to those skills right now.

The child hears the expectation.
They feel the failure.
Shame rises.
The meltdown intensifies.

Logic doesn’t work here because the part of the brain that handles reasoning goes offline during fight or flight.

All of the child’s energy is going toward survival.

If You’re Worrying About the Future, You’re Not Alone

Parents tell me this is when they start to worry about what all of this means.

They wonder if their child will always struggle this much.
They worry something deeper is wrong.
They question whether they’re helping or making things worse.

What helps isn’t trying harder or controlling the meltdown better.

What helps is understanding what the meltdown is telling you about where your child’s nervous system is at.

When parents stop seeing meltdowns as something to stop (though trust me, as a parent of a spicy kid, I know how lovely it is when you have fewer meltdowns) and start focusing their energy on what they can control. 

The child’s shame is turned down and parents feel less panicked and urgent to stop the meltdowns. 

This doesn’t make meltdowns disappear overnight (although, this can happen for some families).
But it does stop parents from feeling trapped by them.

If your child’s meltdowns feel more intense than what you hear about elsewhere, you’re not imagining it.

This is why I often suggest starting with The Meltdown Plan.
It helps you understand what to do when your child is overwhelmed, without adding shame or unrealistic expectations.

Learn more about The Meltdown Plan HERE.

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