The mom looked at the clock, knowing the birthday party was only an hour away, and knowing her daughter knew that too. She looked back at her daughter, flailing and screaming, and it hit her.

“This is her doing the best she can.”

We had talked about this a lot before, but there was often this resistance, this moment of “are you sure about that??” because she had been raised to believe you should control your child and your child should be in control. That was before she had a spicy kid though.

In this moment, with the birthday party her daughter had been really looking forward to on the line, she could see clearly that even if she threatened “no birthday party if you don’t pull it together,” there was no way her daughter could.

Afterward, the mom scanned back through other family moments where her daughter had unravelled, sort of unbelievably to the parents, at places she wanted to be. School fun fairs. An amusement park. Her grandparents’ house for dinner. All things she wanted, and at the times the parents thought, “why is she ruining this for everyone, she wanted to be here!”

This moment made something clear. Wanting to be somewhere and having the capacity to handle it are not the same thing.

Why Do Birthday Parties and Family Gatherings Trigger Child Meltdowns?

Kids with highly sensitive systems are sensitive to changes and anything out of routine, so it feels unsettling. When they experience that feeling, and they are wired for reactivity, frustration, or intensity, they go straight to melting down.

Excitement is dysregulating. We often associate dysregulation with negative or harder feelings, but dysregulation just means not in balance. Feeling really excited leads to a system out of balance, and spicy kids have a very difficult time swinging things back into balance.

Special events also come with extra stressors. Extra noise. Different sounds. Smells. Different social expectations. All of those are extra taxing on a nervous system that just wakes up taxed.

So the meltdown is not about the event itself. It is about how much the system is holding.

The Shift That Helps Parents Handle Special Event Meltdowns

This mindset shift allowed her to implement the things we had been working on, because she finally had the space to see her daughter differently.

Nothing magical happened. The meltdown did not disappear. But the response changed, because the meaning changed.

If Your Child’s Meltdowns Ruin Celebrations and Special Occasions

If meltdowns are too often, too intense, and leave you wondering if you are doing this right, I want to invite you into The Meltdown Plan, a system that helps you know what to do mid meltdown when it feels like nothing else works.

And if you have had thoughts like “why does my child have to ruin special events,” you are not alone in that thought.

They are doing the best they can. They just need support that is a good fit for them.

You can learn more about The Meltdown Plan here.

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