You were doing everything right. Noticing the good stuff. Naming it specifically. And your spicy kid looked at you and said: “Don’t say that to me.”
You are trying so hard to get it right. You’ve heard the advice: notice the behaviour you want to see more of. Comment on the good stuff. Name it specifically. So you do.
“I really liked how you said that kindly to your brother.”
“I like how you picked up your shoes.”
And your spicy kid looks at you and says: “Don’t say that to me.” You’re stumped. You were doing everything right. So what is going on?
Here’s What’s Actually Happening
Spicy kids live very close to shame. Not because of anything you did wrong, but because a child who feels everything more intensely, who gets dysregulated more easily, who hears corrections more often than other kids, that child starts to build a quiet belief about themselves.
That they are too much. That they have to get it right to be okay.
So when you say “you’re such a good girl,” her brain doesn’t hear a compliment. It hears a category she doesn’t believe she belongs in. It feels wrong. So she rejects it.
And the behaviour-specific praise? “I liked how you said that kindly.” She hears: the bar is being tracked. She’s watching what I do. I have to keep performing. For a kid already exhausted by trying to hold it together, that doesn’t feel good either.
What Actually Lands With Spicy Kids
Not comments about what they did. Comments about who they are.
These are called non-behaviour specific compliments, and they are some of the most powerful tools for turning down shame and helping a child feel like they belong, exactly as they are.
5 Things to Try This Week
“I feel so grateful to be your parent.”
No condition. No performance required. Just: I chose you and I’d choose you again.
“I’m so lucky I get to hug you every day.”
This one works especially well after a hard moment. Not as a reward for calming down, just as a true thing you say.
“You are exactly the kind of person we need in this family.”
For a child who secretly worries they are too much, hearing that their specific self is wanted is everything.
“Something about you just makes me happy.”
Vague on purpose. It’s not about what they did. It’s about who they are.
“I was just thinking about you and smiling.”
You don’t even need to explain why. The fact that they crossed your mind and made you smile, that lands.
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