Confidence doesn’t come from things being easy. It comes from a child discovering: I can actually do this.

There’s a lot of parenting advice out there that isn’t made for kids like ours. The highly sensitive, deep feelers who are just more intense.

But recently I came across an account that specializes in highly sensitive kids, so I thought we’d be very kindred. I signed up for her emails.

And I was really worried by what I saw.

She shared that a parent’s job is to curate their child’s external world so the child doesn’t feel so overwhelmed.

Now, I’m all for understanding what’s overwhelming our child. But here’s what really worries me about this advice.

If we believe we are meant to clear all things that create stress for our children, then they will believe they can only be okay if all stress is cleared for them.

I don’t want my kid to someday say: “Sorry, I can’t work here. Seems like some people might chew with their mouth open.”

I DO want my kid to say to themselves: “I notice I’m heading up the wave. Oh, someone’s chewing with their mouth open. That’s why. Okay, coping strategy toolkit, who’s going to be picked today?”

Unfortunately this isn’t the only expert sharing this idea of low-demand parenting. And I understand the appeal. I really do.

When you’ve watched your kid fall apart over something small, the instinct to smooth the path makes complete sense. You love them. You want them to feel okay.

But here’s what I keep coming back to.

Spicy kids need to experience demands and come out the other side thinking: I can do it. Because confidence doesn’t come from things being easy. It comes from a child discovering: I can actually do this.

Think about the moments your kid has surprised you. When something hard happened and they came out the other side. Maybe not gracefully. Maybe with a lot of noise. But they got through it.

That is the data their brain is collecting.

“I can calm down.” “I can handle this.” “I am someone who gets through hard things.”

When we curate everything, we accidentally delete that data. And without it, your child heads into the world without the one thing that actually changes the trajectory for spicy kids: the belief that they are capable.

Not perfect. Not always regulated. But capable.

So here are the 3 steps to help build that capable confidence in your child.

3 Steps to Build Confidence in Your Spicy Kid

This is one of the quietest, most powerful things you can do for a spicy kid. You are not clearing the path. You are building the belief that they can walk it.

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